the SUPER bouncy ball . . .

I admit that I, Karin, am not generally inclined to join “mom” and “women” groups. Just not something that I have been drawn to. Despite a good friend telling me again (and again and again) how great MOPS is, I still haven’t gone. It’s not that I think it is a bad thing, but as an introvert I am more worn out by groups than I am energized. And as an adoptive mom, I am always filtering the advice on parenting to see if it applies to my parenting/children. Dave and I were a part of an adoptive parents group, and we really enjoyed that. But then we moved and didn’t connect with another group. The ECFE information has come to the house for years. I read it, think “huh – that could be interesting” and never register. Well, this summer not only did I register for a class but I also have shown up! Repeatedly! It is a group that is all adoptive parents and the majority of our kids are adopted (there is a biological kid or two in the group, with an adopted sibling). And I love it. Love the playtime for the boys and love the conversation for the moms (we had a dad once . . . ).

But the thing that has made it TOTALLY worthwhile is last week’s discussion on temperament and our kids. We did a little “quiz” of sorts on how spirited our kids are and WOW! Ivan scored really REALLY high on the “spirited” scale. And the leader shared that her oldest child is spirited and there are things that she does differently with him because of that. For him, big family gatherings can get overwhelming, causing his behavior to escalate as everyone talks and runs around and is just all together and she needs to take him in a room, away from everyone, for a few minutes to calm down. JUST LIKE IVAN. She recommended the book Raising Your Spirited Child. Familiar. Huh. I requested it from the library, saw that it was going to be a week before I got it, and went off to the bookstore to take a look at it. The subtitle: a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, energetic. I am intrigued.

Page 1: I am hooked.
“… what it is like to live with a child who could scream for forty-five minutes because his toast had been cut in triangles when he was expecting rectangles. The kind of kid who would rather die than take no for an answer and knew the perfect trigger to ‘push my buttons.’”

Yes! This is just far too familiar … so, instead of working on the project that I had left the house to work on, I kept reading . . . by a few pages into chapter 1, I am practically in tears. Sitting in Borders.

“On the good days, being the parent of a spirited child is astounding, dumbfounding, wonderful, funny, interesting, and interspersed with moments of brilliance. The dreadful days are another story. On those days, you’re not sure you can face another twenty-four hours with him. It’s hard to feel good as a parent when you can’t even get his socks on, when every word you have said to him has been a reprimand, when the innocent act of serving pizza instead of the expected tacos incites a riot, when you realize you have left more public places in a huff with your child in five years than most parents do in a lifetime. . . you are … scared of what is to come in the teen years if you don’t figure out what to do now in the early years.” (p10).
Out came the much protected Border’s gift card that I have been carrying around for months. There are few books that I will spend money on. I am a firm believer in the library and borrowing books. But sometimes a book just NEEDS to be in our house. And this is one of them.

It has been a little over a week since I have started reading the book (and doing the accompanying “workbook” that also came home with me, thanks to the gift card). I identify with SO MUCH! The writing style is wonderful, too. Interactive. It is like talking with other parents of spirited children. And I am beginning to breathe again. Not that Ivan has changed, but (1) I am not alone; (2) this is Ivan’s temperament. It is not about his having been adopted. I think that the adoption masked some of this. But as I have looked back even to when he visited him as a baby, he was spirited then. He cried LOUDLY for over 30 minutes the first time he met us. A year later, he doggedly persisted on his “project” of balancing a water bottle upside down as a 20 month old.

Is his becoming hungry as he goes to bed and needing to have food with him in his room at night a result of growing up in an orphanage or that a piece of his temperament? In a way, it doesn’t really matter. I will still let him have a few crackers or a piece of bread with him when he falls asleep. But it is this type of question that creates a sense of isolation when it comes to parenting. Adoptive moms will understand that I can’t say “you can go to bed hungry and then you will learn to eat your supper”. Moms of spirited children, who have often have irregular schedules, will understand how it is frustrating to have a plate full of supper sit while he says “I am not hungry” and as soon as it is put away is looking for something to eat. Many nights, I am torn between compassion for my boy who lived in an orphanage for a few years and irritation for the child who is hungry now that supper is over and the food is all put away.

Parenting is a journey. A unique journey for each parent and each child. Parenting Thor is, honestly, fairly easy. He is easy going, gets along well with others, very adaptable, and a whole lot of fun. Not that there aren’t trying times with him, but those times are few and far between. Parenting Ivan has been tough from the long wait to bring him home, to a tough adjustment to being home, to working through his food sensitivities and resulting behaviors, to working through his intense emotions. He is just MORE in almost every way. I love him for it and at the same time I am worn out by it. I am so very encouraged to learn more about “spirited children” in the same way that I was encouraged to find the Feingold diet. To know that there is help to be had and that we are not alone. Thank you, God, for providing what it is that we need. Thank you for the support you have given us in such an unexpected place.